One more? Why not. What do a Rubik’s Cube and a prick have in common? The more you play with it the harder it gets.

 Now a bird never flew on one wing. Define egghead: What Mrs Dumpty givers Humpty.

What has four legs and flies?

A dead horse.

….. Sick or what?

We have also had our first cucumber. This was an unusual variety called Crystal Lemon, which isn’t elongated like a traditional cucumbers, but is sphercal. It also tastes far nicer than many other cucumbers, lacking that horrible bittnerness which meant that we were able to eat it raw.

We’ll certainly be growing this variety again as it is far easier to grow, cheaper and less temperamental than the all female varieties. These often cost nearly £4 for a packet of three, maybe four seeds, not all of which germinate and even if they do they’re often sickly.

 Nasturtiums ar a very versatile and useful plant. Most people know that their seeds when pickled become what has been termed “the poor man’s capers”, and in fact they are as good as the real capers 9especially with pizza) and what’s more far cheaper. It’s not just the seeds that are edible. The leaves and flowers add a lovely peppery note to salads, as well as colour, and their taste is reminiscent of watercress, to which they are related. What’s more their stems are nice too. Alan Davidson, in the Oxford Companion to Food quotes a recipe supplied by Dwight D. Eisenhower to a celebrity cookbook for a soup containing nasturtium seeds.

 But their utility goes beyond the culinary. Another wonderful book I have in my collection is Roses Love Garlic: Companion Planting and Other Secrets of Flowers by Louise Riotte. I have learned that nasturtiums are a wonderful foil to a whole host of baddies affecting  cucumbers and that they are an excellent way of dealing with aphids attacking broccoli. In this they are among the garden’s martyrs, for it seems they attract such copious quantities of aphids to its own plants that they haven’t time for nearby brassicas.

 Our French beans are also producing a bountiful crop. Amongst the varieties we sowed was a purple-podded variety from Unwins. They may not have a vast range of exotic vegetables, but their seeds are universally top class.

 Rosie has attempted to emulate the growing practices of the Mexican Indians, by growing runner beans among sweet corn, whose tall shaft supplies support for the beans. She is having marvellous success with this so far. The variety of runner bean she is growing, from Thompson and Morgan, is called “Teeny beany”, while the sweet corn is a new variety from T&M called “Rising Sun”. It was bred with colder climates in mind, and our success with it has only been phenomenal.

 In our Cavan garden Rosie has enjoyed great success with some cherry yellow tomato plants she was given. Already we are enjoying small, bright yellow globes of sweetness and flavour that are just right for salads and sandwiches.

 Bringing on a plant from seed to harvest is a most satisfying experience. In fact I would go so far as to say that it is self-transcending.

 For too long our two countries have been divided by antagonisms which have often been mischievously amplified by people in Ireland. The forthcoming royal visit is an opportunity to turn the swords of the past into the ploughshares of the present and the scythes of the future, with which future generations can reap a bountiful harvest of goodwill and renewed dependency on our bigger neighbour.

 Those in Cavan will be especially pleased to hear that their local authority, Cavan County Council, had been working flat out behind the4 scenes to see to it that The Queen visited “The Lakeland County” and that she is given, along with the Duke of Edinburgh, an opportunity to fulfil a long-held ambition.

 It is not generally known but Queen Elizabeth had planned to make a visit to Cavan County Museum during her visit. Both she and Prince Philip were anxious to look at the museum’s unique collection of Gaelic football boots and assorted Cavan GAA memorabilia. A source close to the royal family has stated that each time anyone mentions the memorable victory of Cavan over Kerry in New York’s Polo Grounds her mind goes back to the year 1947 and the royal wedding of that year.

 It has now emerged that her visit to the museum has had to be cancelled because of an old problem in the museum: the lavatories. In spite of having a plumber’s son on staff for a number of years the museum’s toilets have a nasty habit of exploding for no reason and shooting their contents over a wide area.  It was thought this was caused by attempts to flush down diapers, tampons used condoms and certainly the problem seemed to have been resolved by a number of low-key redundancies disguised as budget cuts. Unfortunately the overflowing lavatories have returned with a vengeance, with fateful results.  

 A County Council engineer explained.

 “It would be the very day her Majesty would be comin’ that the hoors would blow up again like yan Icelandic volcano, an’ ya can get the whiff of the shite for miles an’ miles. I wouldn’t be surprised if ya got it up in a ‘plane. An’ when that happens the last thing ya want is t’ have the quain of England cuntin’ around lookin’ to go to the jacks.”

 Some in Cavan had hoped that The Queen, given her interest in Gaelic Games, would have an opportunity to present the Anglo-Celt cup to a successful Cavan team, but this can’t happen now after the Cavan team threw up their arses down in Cork last weekend – four shagging points; Jesus the North Koreans would have done better.

 Anglo Celt and The Beano please copy

 Some historical talks have been organised to accompany the fleadh. They are to be given by Dr Jonathan Cherry (a good friend) and the multi-talented Dr Brendan Scott. Both these speakers are, thank God, able bodied. There has been no invitation to the wheelchair-bound and partially sighted Dr Ciaran Parker, who has written about all aspects of the history of Cavan town. But honestly, the sight of him in his wheelchair speaking without notes would not set the right tone at an even which obviously sets so much store by physical perfection.

 The reason why I haven’t been asked to speak is puzzling. Last February I was asked to lead a walking tour of Cavan town by Catriona O’Reilly, the County f Arts Officer, and a member of the fleadh’s organising committee. This was in conjunction with a festival taking place in Cavan town at the time. I naturally agreed, but I was unable to lead the tour because of a freak snowstorm that led to the cancellation of most other events. I was assured that the event would be rescheduled for a later date. A fee had been mentioned, but I wasn’t doing it for the money. Had that been now I know full well Dr Scott would have been invited instead. A snowfall wouldn’t affect him as he can walk on water – he certainly shows no problem walking through the shit he causes. And as for payment, it is only natural that in a time of budgetary constraints the council should ensure that all monies stay within the broader County Council family of employees, members and theitr families.

 Another puzzling aspect is why I was approached by a local writer associated with the fleadh. He sought historical advice and information for a number of short plays he had been commissioned to write for the aforementioned fleadh.   It seems a bit unfair to pump someone for information whom they were going to snub And whose very name was not to be mentioned.. Why didn’t he go to Dr Scott for his intelligence? No doubt because he or his friends knew he’d be disappointed.  I write this so that people attending the fleadh will no what a miserable crowd of back-stabbing, lying cheats have organised it.

Cavan town is the latest venue for a farmers’ market, held under the auspices of the town council. It appears that spaces and marquees and other defences against our inclement weather are to be provided by the council, but at a cost. The figure4 has not been finalised, but are those who attend the market aware that any personal details, even as insignificant as a name, address, or vehicle registration that they give to the council (or that they council might otherwise acquire) may be handed over to the Revenue Commissioners?

 The queen’s visit would make a far greater contribution to the ending of mental hostility between our countries if she were to meet with and apologise to the victims of “loyalist” violence in the republic. Those who carried out these attacks claimed to be loyal to the British crown, and this would be an irrevocable opportunity for the sovereign to distance herself from these barbarities. But the Official Secrets Act might get in the way, as it is generally suspected that many of these, while claimed by “loyalists” were masterminded by sections of the British intelligence establishment.

YOUL’LL BURN IN HELL FOR THIS SHIT

 In addition to the calabrese variety there is another variety called romamesco whose heads are a lighter green in colour. And let’s not get into the area of Chinese broccoli.

For me the authentic type of broccoli is known as Purple Sprouting. Certainly it tastes far better than the anaemic calabrese. It also takes a bit longer to grow. Consequently it is far less likely to turn up in supermarkets, or for that matter, in restaurants. It is not some rare exotic that is difficult to grow. Most gardeners will agree with me about its taste, but unless you grow it yourself you are unlikely to know this. Rosie is a devotee like myself of the authentic purple sprouting. A few months ago bought some plants that were labelled as Purple Sprouting Broccoli. You can imagine her dismay and disgust when they grew into calabrese plants that are now producing nice green, firm yet tasteless heads.