Ciaran’s Peculier [sic] Blog

A view of the world from an Irish hole

Category: Sex

Featured

Cavan councillors reject circumcision

Male members of Cavan County Council have angrily rejected planned circumcision. This action was to be taken in the light of rising levels of verbal diarrhoea. Studies undertaken in local authorities where circumcision occurred have shown that infection rates have fallen by as much as 60%.

The action, which has the backing of the HSE and the local authority#s executive, has so far only secured the  support of one councillor (who always backed the executive anyway). However, even he stated that he would not go ahead unilaterally with the operation unless it had the backing of the whole council.

One councillor, speaking anonymously,  reacted angrily: “Lookad, my lad’s small enough as it is. If any more was taken off it’d be invisible.” A colleague, once again speaking anonymously, said “We don’t see the big lads in the executive being expected to have a bit taken off the top.”

These accusations of double standards were flatly rejected by a spokesman for the County Manager. “Most members of the execdutive are too old to be stilol sexually active. What’s more they’re all too busy.”  Heexpressed his disappointment at the councillors’ intransigence. While reiterating the health benefits of the procedure, he added that people engaging in frequent foreign travel, such as county councillors, had a moral duty to safeguard themselves against infection. He also urged the members of the local authority to think again, adding that he was sure they would come round to the idea, given sufficient persuasion. They were urged to consult with colleagues who had successfully been circumcised. “Most people undergoing the operation, which lasts only a few minutes, say they don’t feel a thing, though to be honest, most of them haven’t felt anything there for a while.” The spokesman refused to comment on claims that a county councillor in Kerry who had initially agreed to undergo circumcision, pulled out at the last minute when he heard that he’d only be given a local anaesthetic. “That’s typical o’ de HSE always tryin’ to cut corners. Fuck it I want an imported anaestetic.”                   

 The councillors’ actions mark a rare example of discord between the authority#s elected members and the executive. The former usually accept blindly and without discussion every policy put forward by the executive. Those believing that this marks a new departure may be disappointed however, as one of the most vociferous opponents of circumcision was at pains to point out that this was a once off.

 

1 comment
Featured

Fleadh’s final day

The fleadh is coming to an end. The fleadh organisers have wanted the event to be inclusive as possible, and so throughout the event there have been opportunities for groups such as dipsomaniacs and cripples. The fleadh’s final day will be an opportunity to Cavan’s Gay and Lesbian community to strut their stuff. Many of the events will be attended by Cavan’s chain-wearing trannies, but the highlight will probably be the finals of the Lesbian and Tribad Traditional Irish dancing competition and the handing over by Whacko Jacko of the coveted John West trophy. There are rumours that some people from the Co. Cavan branch of the radical Mili-Pede group advocating greater intergenerational sexual encounters may infiltrate these events, so it might be an idea to keep the kids away.

Leave a comment
Featured

Arya up for the ride at Cavan’s fleadh?

A persistent complaint of some visitors to Cavan’s fleadh has been the scarcity of prostitutes. It is often forgotten that traditional musicians have urges and that those who like to blow like to be blown. Cavan County Council’s initiative to provide cheap women alongside cheap accommodation by encouraging the town’s girls to make a few bob by going on the game during the fleadh failed because of lack of interest.

 Chief organiser Whacko Jacko is determined to make good this loss at future fleadhs by opening a string of massage parlours in the main street alongside the sandwich and burger bars catering for all tastes and genders. Prices will be capped: 50 euro for a hand job; 100 euro for a blow job and 150 euro for an LBJ. Of course present and past members of the council’s staff and their families can go free.

 For those who prefer a more alfresco sexual experience there will be licensed hookers working from the front gardens of certain locations suggested by the parents of council engineers. Although it was initially planned that the hookers would be able to take up residence without the garden owners’ permission, it is now envisaged that the girls will pay a percentage of their takings for the use of the grass. In the narrow spirit of the fleadh every effort will be made to encourage Irish girls to offer themselves or sale. We all remember the Walton’s music slogan. “If you fuck a whore, fuck an Irish whore.”

Leave a comment
Featured

Dr Brendan Scott’s forthcoming stand-up comedy routine at the Cavan fleadh, or Ciaran’s joke of the day

A family of prostitutes were discussing life over breakfast. The daughter had just come in and was asked how she’d done the previous night.
“Not so good. I only got 25 euro for a blow job. It’s the credit crunch I suppose.”
“Twenty five euro for a blow job,” screamed her mother. “In my day I’d consider a fiver for a blow job to be a good night’s work.”
“It was different in my day,” said granny prostitute. “We”d have been glad just to get something warm inside us.”

I’m sure there are many local government employees who know only too well the type of people I’m talking about. After all, when they”re on one of those five-star junkets paid for by the tax payer, away from their wives, girlfriends and partners, it can get pretty lonely, can’t it … but don’t worry, your secrets are safe with me.

Leave a comment
Featured

Dr Brendan Scott’s talk or lecture (or whatever it’s called) to be given at the forthcoming Flea in Cavan

This gay guy called Jack decided to go for a tattoo. On the way in he sees a poster of Evander Hollyfield, and he exclaims to the tattoo artis. “He’s my idol. Can you tattoo his face onto my left buttock?”
“No problem”, replies the artist.
On leaving he sees another poster, this time featuring Mike Tyson and he runs back into the shop and pleads with the tattoo artist. “I just love Mike Tyson. Could you possibly tattoo his face onto my other buttock? It will really drive my partner wild.”
“it’s your money”, answers the tattoo artist.
When Jack gets home he can’t wai to show off his new tattoos to his partner Brendan, so he drops his pants and bends over so that Brendan can get a look, but instead of being pleased he is nearly in tears.
“I hope Jack you realise that this means the end of our relationship”  he sobs.
“Why?” pleads a dumbfounded Jack.
“Well you’ve got Evander Hollyfield on your left cheek, Mike Tyson on your right cheek. You can’t expect me to go into the ring between those two.”

The persona names used in these and other jokes are entirely fortuitous.

Leave a comment
Featured

Ciaran’s Something for the Weekend

Brendan had been going out with a girl for a year but he’d been reluctant to go onto Level 2 of the relationship because he was ashamed at the smallness of his willyu. He decided to ask the advice of his friend Eugene.
“Size isn’t everything”, counsels Eugene. “It’s what you do with it. Get her in the right place and the right mood, and the fact that you’re a bit on the small size won’t make any difference.”
Armed with this advice he goes out with his girlfriend. They drive to a dark spot where Brendan considers it’s a now-or-never moment. He unzips his fly, whips out his willy and gently guides his girlfriend’s hand to it.
“No thanks,” she says. “I’ve given up cigarettes.”

Leave a comment
Featured

Cavan again in ther news in North Korea

The recent Hen night festival in Cavan, sponsored by Breffni Condoms, continues to make waves in North Korea. A video about the event has been shown more or less continuously, on North Korean television. It is accompanied by a song which is a Korean rendition of the wel-known Cavan number, “My Cavan bitch so fat.” The lyrics have been changed to suit the still rampant cult of personality, and start off with the obligatory mention of Kim Jong-Il. “Hard on, hard on, I always get a hard on when I think of the Dear Leader”.

Leave a comment
Featured

Dr Brendan Scott’s public lecture in Cavan Central Library

A priest is hearing confessions. A young man comes in and says. “Bless me Father for I have sinned. I’ve had sex with Pussy Green two or three times a week for the past two months.”
“Fornication is a serious sin. You must say five Our Fathers and a decade of the Rosary in penance.”
The next in the confessional is a slightly older male with a shaven head.
“Bless me Father. I’ve fucked Pussy Green every day for the past six weeks. Some days I’ve done her twice or three times and she lets me turn her round so I can fuck her up the ar ..”
“…Okay, Okay. I get the message” says the increasingly exasperated priest. “But who is this Pussy Green?”
“She’s a slapper that’s moved onto the estate. You must have seen her at Mass Father…”
“You have sinned gravely against God and against yourself. For your penance says twelve Our Fathers.”
Next day is Sunday and, just before Mass the priest is standing at the altar beside an altar boy, when in strides the most voluptuous long-legged blond wearing an emerald green mini dress and matching high heels. She demurely walks to the front row of the chapel where she sits down in full view of the priest who can hardly take his eyes off her. He bends down to the altar boy and whispers. “Tell me son, is that Pussy Green?”
“No father”, answers the boy. “It’s just the reflection of her dress.”

Leave a comment
Featured

All the fun of the Fleadh

The residents of Can town are looking forward to the Fleadh which is to deswcend upon the town at the end of August. Those who are looking forward to it the most are the town’s publicans, who number in their ranks the odd councillor, senator and other assorted political low life. How Cavan town was awarded the Fleadh in the first place is beyond me. There isn’t adequate infrastructure, and there not enough hotel or guesthouse places to go round, prompting an initiative to encourages the cash-starved people of Cavan to make a bit of extra dosh by letting out spare rooms, and failing that a kennel.

 Let us imagine Cavan town in the Fleadh’s aftermath, a scene of broken bottles, pilled drink, vomit, broken glass and discarded condoms (you see, there are still a couple of Cavan lads who haven’t got the hang of condoms.)

 But I have been told by one Fleadh head that this will not happen. A fleadh was held not long ago where the only problems were caused by … wait for it … “foreigners”. Now what constitutes a Foreigner here I wonder. I suspect that quite a large number of those attending will be non Irish people, but of course, they’ll be white.

 The clean-up will be left to Cavan County Council staff. There are fewer of them – the cutbacks you know. But why shouldn’t Whacko Jacko and some of the councillors go out with his pooper-scooper?

 I like a good b low out, especially one accompanied by good music and friendly females (though I suspect some Fleadh aficionados have different tastes, the legacy of so long spent on the road). I had the reputation of someone who really knew how to push the boat out.

 I am no party pooper, but I’m definitely not a party puker either. When having a good time I have always ensured that I deposit my bodily fluids only in warm and concealed spaces.

Leave a comment
Featured

Young men of Ireland beware!

Tonight, April 30th, is Walpurgisnacht, the night when witches congregate on the Trocken in Germany’s Harz Mountains for their annual witches’ Sabbath.

 The name was said by some to come from a shadowy Anglo-Saxon nun called St. Walburga. However, there was a much longer cult among the German tribes of worshipping a forest deity called Waldborg. This traditionally occurred on May Eve. So deeply entrenched was the belief that the Christian authorities dealt with it by making Waldborg into St Walburga, whose relics were moved to the German town of Eichstatt on … 30 April which then became her feast in the Christian rite.

 The Sabbath on the Trocken wax always marked by excess. The witches met there with their master, the Devil or as they say in these parts, the lad with the horns. They engaged in wild and delirium-inducing dances, and after being laid prostrate by constant circular motions the Devil would have beastly carnal knowledge of them. Once awaken again they would compete with each other to satisfy his voracious lustful appetite, by taking his manhood in their mouths. At the moment of consummation they would allow the diabolical seed to spurt out onto the ground. Tradition held that wherever the Devil’s semen landed would be devoid of crops for seven generations.

 The air was often permeated by frightful growling sounds like thunder. This was caused by the gargling of other witches as they allowed the diabolical essence to course through their bodies. No matter how many times they gave head to their master, he remained unsalted.

 Similar Sabbaths were held in parts of Ireland. It was held that the locations where the witches spat out the Devil’s seed were marked by the plant long known in Irish as the Bohillan bui. This had poisonous effects on the soil and was also toxic to livestock.

 Walpurgis night falls fatefully this year on a Friday night, and so young Irish males returning at late hours from discos should be on their guard against the temptations of disguised witches. They should remember that these ladies have experiences and kills of sucking men dry with far bigger tanks than theirs.

Leave a comment
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.