Ciaran’s Peculier [sic] Blog

A view of the world from an Irish hole

Category: Humour

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Dr Brendan Scott’s talk or lecture (or whatever it’s called) to be given at the forthcoming Flea in Cavan

This gay guy called Jack decided to go for a tattoo. On the way in he sees a poster of Evander Hollyfield, and he exclaims to the tattoo artis. “He’s my idol. Can you tattoo his face onto my left buttock?”
“No problem”, replies the artist.
On leaving he sees another poster, this time featuring Mike Tyson and he runs back into the shop and pleads with the tattoo artist. “I just love Mike Tyson. Could you possibly tattoo his face onto my other buttock? It will really drive my partner wild.”
“it’s your money”, answers the tattoo artist.
When Jack gets home he can’t wai to show off his new tattoos to his partner Brendan, so he drops his pants and bends over so that Brendan can get a look, but instead of being pleased he is nearly in tears.
“I hope Jack you realise that this means the end of our relationship”  he sobs.
“Why?” pleads a dumbfounded Jack.
“Well you’ve got Evander Hollyfield on your left cheek, Mike Tyson on your right cheek. You can’t expect me to go into the ring between those two.”

The persona names used in these and other jokes are entirely fortuitous.

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Ciaran’s something more for the weekend

Mary told her parents she was going out with some of the girls from work for a drink, and that they shouldn’t wait up. In fact she was going on a ate with the office stud. He wanted her to come back to his place, but because she was a virgin and she sensed that his intentions were not honourable she invited him back to her home, cautioning him not to make a noise.
Once inside the door he announced that he needed to go to the toilet – badly. As this would have meant a trip upstairs past her parents’ room she stopped him.
“But it’s urgent. Can I go in the kitchen sink?” he pleads.
I don’t know”, she aide. “So long as you don’t make a sound and clean up after you.”
He agrees and goes into the kitchen. Mary stands nervously outside, expecting his imminent re-emergence. But the seonds become minutes, and she eventually says. “Are you ok in there?” whereupon he sicks his head round the door and asks:
 ”Is thereany toilet paper?”

And he could just as well have wiped his arse with the booklet about the Fleadh in Cavan that I receiverd today. I deon’t know whether it was addressed to me at all. It just read “Ciaran Parker 4 Earlsvale Road.” Now I live at 5 Earlsvale Road, and I couldn’t be addressed by my proper title as this would have made that blatherskite from Belturbet look bad. The idea that someone else has a PhD in Cavan, of longer standing, is something he just can’t hack, so I have to be airbrushed out. To be honest the whole thing makes me totally ashamed to be from Cavan.

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Ciaran’s Something for the Weekend

Brendan had been going out with a girl for a year but he’d been reluctant to go onto Level 2 of the relationship because he was ashamed at the smallness of his willyu. He decided to ask the advice of his friend Eugene.
“Size isn’t everything”, counsels Eugene. “It’s what you do with it. Get her in the right place and the right mood, and the fact that you’re a bit on the small size won’t make any difference.”
Armed with this advice he goes out with his girlfriend. They drive to a dark spot where Brendan considers it’s a now-or-never moment. He unzips his fly, whips out his willy and gently guides his girlfriend’s hand to it.
“No thanks,” she says. “I’ve given up cigarettes.”

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Dr Brendan Scott’s lecturre in Cavan County Library, or Ciaran’s joke of the day 1/6/10

A man is standing at the urinal in a lavatory beside another male in an olive-green suit who seems no bigger than a dwarf, but his attention is drawn by the size, length and girth of this second man’s male member, which is, without doubt, a whopper. The first guy doesn’t want to appear to be getting his kicks by looking at another guy’s cock, but his interest is noticed.           

“Is everything ok?” asks the dwarf.

“No problems. I’m sorry but I just can’t help remarking on the size of your cock. As a man you’re on the small side but it’s enormous.”

“Ah let me explain. You see I’m a leprechaun and all leprechauns have massive cocks in spite of their size.”

“I wouldn’t mind having one that size”. comments the first man.

“That can be arranged. After all I’m a leprechaun so I can grant anything you wish for,  but you have to do something for me.”

“Name it!”

“You’ll have to let me give you one up the butt.”

“Well I don’t know about that…” stutters the first guy.

“Now it’s your decision and I’m putting absolutely no pressure on you” counsels the dwarf soothingly.

“I suppose no one need know”, answers the first guy and quickly looking around to ascertain there’s no one else in the can he gestures to the dwarf to join him in one of the cubicles.

After several moments of excruciating pain for the man the dwarf asks him:

“How old are you?”

The man turns his head and answers, though writhing with agony: “I’m … ugh … I’m thirty-six… arghhh!…why?”

“You’re thirty-six are you? And you still believe in leprechauns?”

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Dr Brendan Scott’s talk in Cav an County Library or Ciaran’s joke of the day 30/6/10

Ricky finally summons up the courage to ask Rachel, the office bike, out on a date. Afterwards they pull into a lay-be where they kiss for a while, and Ricky, sensing that Rachel is hot, pushes his hand up under her skirt and between her thighs.

“What are you doing?” she asks coyly.

“I’d like a little pussy Rachel”.

“So would I”, she answers. “Mine’s the size of a bucket.”

Eventually, his hand reaches its destination and he is soon inside her knickers. She responds characteristically with moans and sounds of arousal, until suddenly Rachel yells:

“Owww! That hurts you bastard.”

“What’s wrong?”

“You should have taken your ring off before you finger-fucked me” she replies.

“Hey, that’s not my ring: it’s my watch”

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Dr Brendan Scott’s lecture to ther NCBI in Cavan’s County Library, or Ciaran’s joke of the day 29/6/10

A man is standing at the urinal in a lavatory beside another male in an olive-green suit who seems no bigger than a dwarf, but his attention is drawn by the size, length and girth of this second man’s male member, which is, without doubt, a whopper. The first guy doesn’t want to appear to be getting his kicks by looking at another guy’s cock, but his interest is noticed.           “Is everything ok?” asks the dwarf.“No problems. I’m sorry but I just can’t help remarking on the size of your cock. As a man you’re on the small side but it’s enormous.”
“Ah let me explain. You see I’m a leprechaun and all leprechauns have massive cocks in spite of their size.”
“I wouldn’t mind having one that size”. comments the first man.
“That can be arranged. After all I’m a leprechaun so I can grant anything you wish for,  but you have to do something for me.”
“Name it!”
“You’ll have to let me give you one up the butt.”
“Well I don’t know about that…” stutters the first guy.
“Now it’s your decision and I’m putting absolutely no pressure on you” counsels the dwarf soothingly.
“I suppose no one need know”, answers the first guy and quickly looking around to ascertain there’s no one else in the can he gestures to the dwarf to join him in one of the cubicles.After several moments of excruciating pain for the man the dwarf asks him:
“How old are you?”
The man turns his head and answers, though writhing with agony: “I’m … ugh … I’m thirty-six… arghhh!…why?”
“You’re thirty-six are you? And you still believe in leprechauns?”

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Dr Brendan Scott’s talk to the NCBI in Cavan County Library, or Ciaran’s joke of the day

One day a priest is walking through a really tough neighbourhood when he spies a youth tossing off in an alleyway. He goes up to him and says: “Stop it immediately. You should save that till after you get married.” The youth shrugs his shoulders and runs away.

Ten years’ later the priest is again walking through the same neighbourhood when a young man approaches him. “I bet you don’t remember me, but ten years’ back you saw me tossing off and you gave me some sound advice. You told me to stop it and save it till after I got married.”

“Ah yes,” says the priest. “I remember you now. And tell me did you follow my advice son?”

“Sure did father, replied the young man. And guess what? I’m getting married next week.”

“That’s marvellous,” says the priest. “It’s great how things have worked out for you.”

“There’s only one small problem father, “ says the man. “ I’ve got a ten gallon container of the stuff in the back of my pick-up, and I haven’t a clue what to do with it after I get married.”

 Bit remember, masturbation is NO joke. It can lead to blindness, and no one wants to be dependant on the NCBI do they.

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Dr Brendan Scott’s public lecture in Cavan Central Library

A priest is hearing confessions. A young man comes in and says. “Bless me Father for I have sinned. I’ve had sex with Pussy Green two or three times a week for the past two months.”
“Fornication is a serious sin. You must say five Our Fathers and a decade of the Rosary in penance.”
The next in the confessional is a slightly older male with a shaven head.
“Bless me Father. I’ve fucked Pussy Green every day for the past six weeks. Some days I’ve done her twice or three times and she lets me turn her round so I can fuck her up the ar ..”
“…Okay, Okay. I get the message” says the increasingly exasperated priest. “But who is this Pussy Green?”
“She’s a slapper that’s moved onto the estate. You must have seen her at Mass Father…”
“You have sinned gravely against God and against yourself. For your penance says twelve Our Fathers.”
Next day is Sunday and, just before Mass the priest is standing at the altar beside an altar boy, when in strides the most voluptuous long-legged blond wearing an emerald green mini dress and matching high heels. She demurely walks to the front row of the chapel where she sits down in full view of the priest who can hardly take his eyes off her. He bends down to the altar boy and whispers. “Tell me son, is that Pussy Green?”
“No father”, answers the boy. “It’s just the reflection of her dress.”

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Cavan County headshop, Ballyjamesuff

The Cavan County headshop in Ballyjamesduff may escape the attempts by Justice Minister Dermo Ahern to close them down. You see it doesn’t actually sell legal highs; the only highs available are for those working there and recent members of staff. Anyone else who visits there usually leaves with an unpleasant, nauseous feeling of having been ripped off.

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Gardai issue warning to public

Gardai in Cavan town are warning people to be extra vigilant on the evening of  Thursday, 17th June, when they have learned that the town is to be visited by notorious and shameless criminal mastermind Noel the Dwarf. Noel belongs to a criminal family based in Trim, which was suspected of supplying the getaway vehicles to fellow underworld figure, the vegetarian Gormless john, in his heist in Hay-on-Wye last year. Noel the Dwarf is expected to take part in a meeting with members of the local criminal confraternity, scheduled for the Farnham Hotel. The Dwarf’s gang is in turn part of a nationwide racket called The Cabinet Crooks whose members are involved in protection rackets, identity theft, credit card fraud and prostitution. Like the Russian mafia they have recently gained a reputation for complete heartlessness and their most recent scams have involved stealing money from the blind and partially sighted.  No one could accuse The Dwarf of keeping a low profile, as he travel s around Ireland in a chauffeur-driven car and gets the taxpayer to cover his mileage and holiday expenses. In fact, some observers feel that he deliberately courts prosecution, in an attempt to show up the impotency of the criminal justice system. Gardai are nevertheless advising people not to approach the Dwarf or any o his associates, as they are extremely dangerous. .

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