Ciaran’s Peculier [sic] Blog

With reference to the forthcoming royal visit, I must say that I have nothing against Elizabeth Windsor. She has lived her life imprisoned in one great doll’s house, with an insensitive brute for a husband and a family who have gone from one emotional disaster to the next with reckless abandon. I certainly mean her no harm. She’s an old girl now, 84 I think, and I hope she brings her bus pass. I would certainly prefer if this were to be a private visit, but instead it will be surrounded by all the rubbish that the government can think of. There are those who are monarchists at heart anyway. The spiritual ancestor of the Fine Gael party, Arthur Griffith, never made any secrecy of the fact that he was, at heart, a “kings, lords and commons man”. But those who will be most fulsome in their celebrations will be the soi disants republicans of Fianna Fail. They hanker after a House of Lords and a knighthood system, but haven’t they got it already? There’s Brian Lenihan, second Earl of Castleknock and the Baron of Clara himself.

 The queen’s visit would make a far greater contribution to the ending of mental hostility between our countries if she were to meet with and apologise to the victims of “loyalist” violence in the republic. Those who carried out these attacks claimed to be loyal to the British crown, and this would be an irrevocable opportunity for the sovereign to distance herself from these barbarities. But the Official Secrets Act might get in the way, as it is generally suspected that many of these, while claimed by “loyalists” were masterminded by sections of the British intelligence establishment.

One of Leo Tolstoy’s earliest yet finest stories is entitled “The Raid”. It was set in the North Caucasus and includes details drawn from Tolstoy’s own experiences fighting the Chechens. Yet I think a short story of the same namer, though without Tolstoy’s charm and poise, could be written about events in Cavan town, as they unfolded on the weekend beginning June 18^th. At that time, customs and excises officials raided a number of licensed premises in the town and seized alcohol that was being sold there, but for which no duty had been paid, thereby making its purchases price lower and the potential profit from resale higher.

 I have heard that one premises in particular was targeted, and no, I’m not going to repeat it. Suffice it to say that its owners are well connected politically at both local and national level. What’s more the premises’s dining facilities are completely inaccessible toe me and to all other wheelchair uses. This is not a legacy of the building’s age. It should have been diaphanously clear to the planning authorities who signed off on the plans, but sure, who cares about cripples? But the owners should know that there is NO difference between the ten euro note proffered by the cripple and the able-bodied citizen, just as there is no difference between the able-bodied note and the cripple at election time.

 It will be interesting to see if any prosecutions arise. They would be embarrassing to say the least, and for that reason I suspect the ‘phones in the DPP’s office have been ringing loudly. But then as the affair of Ivor Callely shows, there is one law for members of Seanad Eirinn, quite another for the rest of us.

 Going back to the short story I suspect that the denouement of this particular roman will be inconclusive.

Gardai in Cavan town are warning people to be extra vigilant on the evening of  Thursday, 17^th June, when they have learned that the town is to be visited by notorious and shameless criminal mastermind Noel the Dwarf. Noel belongs to a criminal family based in Trim, which was suspected of supplying the getaway vehicles to fellow underworld figure, the vegetarian Gormless john, in his heist in Hay-on-Wye last year. Noel the Dwarf is expected to take part in a meeting with members of the local criminal confraternity, scheduled for the Farnham Hotel. The Dwarf’s gang is in turn part of a nationwide racket called The Cabinet Crooks whose members are involved in protection rackets, identity theft, credit card fraud and prostitution. Like the Russian mafia they have recently gained a reputation for complete heartlessness and their most recent scams have involved stealing money from the blind and partially sighted.  No one could accuse The Dwarf of keeping a low profile, as he travel s around Ireland in a chauffeur-driven car and gets the taxpayer to cover his mileage and holiday expenses. In fact, some observers feel that he deliberately courts prosecution, in an attempt to show up the impotency of the criminal justice system. Gardai are nevertheless advising people not to approach the Dwarf or any o his associates, as they are extremely dangerous. .

According to RTE news Gardai are investigating a suspected arson attack at an industrial estate in Dublin.

 The arsonist(s) are probably on the run now, fearing apprehension, but I want to give them some words of consolation for the future. You should really get out of the grime of the big city and move to a border county. There your involvement with arson will be initially forgotten, especially if you join Fianna Fail and the Knights of St Columbanus. You will then be able to look back upon your past with pride and speak candidly and unashamedly about it. And what’s more you will even get a job with the local authority.

 Instead of having to keep a low profile to escape the Bill, you will be able to have your mugs emblazoned on a weekly basis in the local paper. When you attend social events camera bulbs will flash as if you were Brittney Spears. If you still have criminal tendencies you will be able to steal with impunity, and because of your newfound friends you will be able to slander decent people, and what’s more be believed.

Ah come on now Carla...

It was so sad to hear Micheal Martin’s response to the Red C Poll findings. He sounded hurt and bewildered. How could the Irish people respond with such negativity when the government’s actions were earning plaudits from the European Central Bank, the European Commission, stock brokers, fat cat bankers and fascists everywhere. He hadn’t sounded so dejected since Carla Bruni turned down his request for a quicky while Nicolas’ back was turned.

 Micheal, in spite of his Master’s degree in history, obviously still has a problem with how governments work here. Most of those people who think the government is doing a good job live outside the country. What’s more they have nice, well-paid jobs, they’re educated and able-bodied and work in comfortable, heated offices. They don’t have to suffer as a result of the cuts instituted by this government.

 The devil’s in the detail. It’s all very well having a high-sounding policy, if its implementation is unjust, and is dependant on selfish and cowardly decisions inspired by short-term thinking and prejudice, it is worse than useless.

 The sad thing is that we know that it doesn’t mater who is in power. Whether it’s Fianna Fail or Fine Gael the people of Ireland invariably lose and the gangsters who donate to the parties win hands down every time.

 But Fianna Fail has a strategy up its sleeve for dealing with its electoral decline. If the poll findings get really bad Fianna Fail will play the race card. It will say that the cuts in social welfare, not to mention the bollocksed state of the health service, is all due to FFers (f*%£ing foreigners) coming here to steal our dole, our jobs and our women. This way they will hope to steal support from Fine Gael and the Labour Party.

Credit where credit’s due. Brian Cowen did make some worthwhile changes. Moving Mendacious Mary Hanafin was top notch, while promoting Sean Connick from the backbenches was inspired.

 Yet the cabinet continues to have its shady members. Ireland’s health service is barely functioning (and that’s the best that can be said for it), but the globe-trotting sybarite Mary Harney remains in place, even though she has no party allegiance. In spite of the fact that the Health Service is going down in flames Maro continues to fiddle like the Emperor Nero – or should that be tinkle the ivories in her five-star suite? No, she gets someone else to do that – at public expense. In fact given Mary Harney’s liking for piano music, would it not have been better if she had been appointed minister for the Arse … Arts and Mary Hanafin had been cast into the wilderness?

Also this new name for the old department of Social Warfare  – the Department of Social Protection is clunky.  It sounds like a brand of condom, though this is probably apt considering the number of pricks who’ve always worked there. 

As for the Greens .. who?

I sincere congratulate Sean Connick ion his promotion to a ministry of State. Sean and myself have one thing in common. We both have to use wheelchairs. I hope that Brian Cowen’s actions are not motivated by tokenism here. Sean has shown himself well able to perform the arduous and difficult tasks associated with government.

 This is not the first time I’ve congratulated Sean. I sent him a message at the time of his first election. Sadly he never replied.

 Sean has the opportunity of becoming a real role model for disabled people. He can demonstrate that we deserve a real chance to contribute to society, and be more than the obsequiously nodding backing groups to the often short-sighted actions of those who take responsibility for promoting the disabled.

As I have said myself and Sean have one thing in common. He has just been appointed to government, and yet I languor in obscurity. Sean has worked hard for his promotion, and deserves to be able to reap the rewards of his efforts, yet I’m supposed to just sit here and quietly accept the ongoing attempts of some people in this locality to rubbish me and my work.

Some might say that I somehow deserve my lot because of my outspokenness. But all I’ve ever done is call attention to waste and shortcomings. There are attempts also to portray me as some type of angry hothead who has never come to terms with his disabilities. I see my disabilities as gifts, yes gifts from God. Rather than raging against them it is up to me to work my way through and around them, as Sean Connick and many others have done. I remember once seeing an interview with him, where he said that, like everyone he had his good and his bad days – so do I. The most important thing is to keep going on and feel that you are making a positive contribution to the world around you.

The government’s travel plans for St Patrick’s Day have been announced, and as expected our governments almost to a man will be spending our national holiday abroad. They cynically say that this is motivated by job promotion. Now once again this displays a slave mentality. We have to look abroad for people to make jobs for us in Ireland. What happened to the spirit of Sinn Fein, or Ourselves Alone? The Sinn Fein of Arthur Griffith was the political ancestor of Fianna Fail. I think many will agree that we must keep an eye on our own homegrown businesses and firms, many of which are small-scale, but which has the capacity to improve our economic well being and provide sustainable employment.

 But you know, I’m tired pointing out the fact that we’re ruled by scoundrels. It’s like flogging a dead horse at this stage. We do live in a democracy and we get the rulers we deserve. So if they shit upon the people, as they do, it is because the Irish people have allowed themselves to be shat upon. I would also be the first to admit that while our rulers are with few exceptions, a bunch of rogues, they are not alone. In many ways they perfectly reflect Irish society.

PS I am still the holder of a valid Irish passport but as I can’t afford to travel I don’t have much use for it these days.So if anyone from Mossad or any other secret service reads this and needs an Irish passport for a job it’s for sale.  And if they’re prepared to pay a bit extra they can keep it.

Yeah ... that's SO good M...

Say a wee prayer now won’t you for poor Minister Martin Cullen who is crucified with back pains. The minister thought that he was Bill Clinton and so fantasised about having his cock sucked by a woman called Monica. Those who have blown him off were apparently so physical and strong that they have dislocated some of the bones in his back, leaving poor Martin in a horizontal position.

 The poor minister has had to cancel a trip to the US west coast. Maybe, like Borat, he was going there in search of Pamela and, like Borat, he had heard that she sucked a lot of dick.

 Instead Martin “Patsy” Mansergh is going, though if he meets Pamela it is possible she would blow him away. I knew Martin Mansergh’s father, a kind, erudite gentleman, the epitome of a scholar.  They must have found Martin under a bush. Otherwise he is living proof of the phenomenon mentioned by Lady Wilde in the mid 19^th century of the changeling.

 So another of that accursed crew of a cabinet falls ill: my curse is gathering strength. He saw  at cabinet and approved benefit cuts including that to the blind pension, and so he must share in my righteous wrath ….

 PS. I would like to take this opportunity to reiterate in the strongest possible terms that I never believed any of those stories about minister Cullen buying expensive presents with public funds for PR people in return for oral sex, though I accept he splashed out on a dress.

Q. Why did the blond smile in the lightning storm?

A.  Because she thought she was having her photograph taken.

 This joke could well apply to the Tanaiste Mary Coughlan who is blond, though one feels this has come from a bottle, and who loves to have her photograph taken. Not only that but she has ranked up huge bills paying photographers to snap her.

 I believe that people who are as obsessed as Mary Coughlan with having her photo taken, obviously consider themselves to be beautiful. (I’m sorry, but Mary Coughlan is in a minority of one there.) They also exhibit excessive self love. In fact, they show classic symptoms of narcissistic neurosis. It’s worrying when government ministers or those in authority suffer from this, as it leads ultimately to cults of personality.

 Such obsessions may be embarrassing but harmless, but why should the Irish tax payer have to pick up the tab? If Mary Coughlan wants her photograph taken she is free to do so, so long as she pays the photographer (plus the premium insurance for the camera).