Ciaran’s Peculier [sic] Blog

A view of the world from an Irish hole

Category: Cavan news

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Disability in Cavan 1

The following are the observations and experiences of one disabled person in Cavan. They do not pretend to be universal, but they should not be rubbished and discarded because they relate just to one person.

 I don’t want to keep going back to the fleadh, but I consider that it was used by some to slap me in the face. I would have been more than able and w2illing to give guided talks about the history of my native town, but obviously the thought that these were being given by someone in a wheelchair was too much for some in Cavan County Council. The Fleadh attracted visitors from far and wide, including continental Europe and beyond, and I would have been able to give such talks in a variety of European languages.

I was due to give a “walking tour” of Cavan town in February 2009. Unfortunately this had to be cancelled at the last moment because of a freak snowstorm. (In fact the County Arts Officer, Ms Catriona O’Reilly was advised by the Gardai to cancel all other events on the day because of the inclement weather.) I was assured that the talk would be rescheduled for a later date. When I heard that the fleadh was going to take place in Cavan town I thought this  would have been a perfect opportunity, but alas the organisers saw differently and both native and visitor to the town were denied the chance to hear an entertaining presentation on the history of the town which I would have been only too happy to give. These people could not say that they didn’t know of me, or that they didn’t know whether I’d be able to give a talk, considering I spoke as part of the long overdue commemoration of the victims of the fire in Cavan’s convent in February 1943. Like many others associated with this commemoration I was anxious that it should not become a finger-pointing or blame-apportioning exercise, but should be used to remember the lives of the unfortunate victims. To be cynical the organisers of the fleadh and their backers in Cavan County Council obviously thought that I had no business talking about any aspect of my town’s history.

 For “the powers that be”, i.e. those with their paws on the lever of power and the sources of funding, it is important though, that Cavan’s disabled be presented as a group on the margins, existing purely by the goodwill of those in authority. They must be shown as having no skills and no ability – unless they are lucky enough to have a parent who is a local politician.

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Arya up for the ride at Cavan’s fleadh?

A persistent complaint of some visitors to Cavan’s fleadh has been the scarcity of prostitutes. It is often forgotten that traditional musicians have urges and that those who like to blow like to be blown. Cavan County Council’s initiative to provide cheap women alongside cheap accommodation by encouraging the town’s girls to make a few bob by going on the game during the fleadh failed because of lack of interest.

 Chief organiser Whacko Jacko is determined to make good this loss at future fleadhs by opening a string of massage parlours in the main street alongside the sandwich and burger bars catering for all tastes and genders. Prices will be capped: 50 euro for a hand job; 100 euro for a blow job and 150 euro for an LBJ. Of course present and past members of the council’s staff and their families can go free.

 For those who prefer a more alfresco sexual experience there will be licensed hookers working from the front gardens of certain locations suggested by the parents of council engineers. Although it was initially planned that the hookers would be able to take up residence without the garden owners’ permission, it is now envisaged that the girls will pay a percentage of their takings for the use of the grass. In the narrow spirit of the fleadh every effort will be made to encourage Irish girls to offer themselves or sale. We all remember the Walton’s music slogan. “If you fuck a whore, fuck an Irish whore.”

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The Slieve Russell Hotel, Ballyconnell

I recently dined in the Slieve Russell Hotel, Ballyconnell. The occasion was Sunday lunch and I have to say that I thoroughly enjoyed the experience, both the setting and the food.

 The Slieve Russell may be a four-star hotel, but it is a welcoming location. When one arrives one is not greeted by a uniformed retainer looking for one’s car keys. The building is fronted by a large fountain in which children were playing. Movement around the hotel for those who like my are confined to wheelchairs is easy. There are no lifts down dark corridors concealed by curtains. The atmosphere in the hotel is warm and bubbly. This comment extends to the dining area which is decorated by chandeliers and has an atmosphere that is at the same time lively and intimate. When I was there diners were entertained by a pianist, and while I am not a fan of piano music the fact that the music was not canned muzack added sparkle.

 I cannot speak highly enough about the food. I had for a starter a beautiful dish of grilled goat’s cheese served with a plum compote and garnished with salad leaves, baby tomatoes and walnuts. For a main course I opted for salmon served in a sancerre-flavoured sauce with Cajun-style roasted vegetables. The dish was as delicious on the plate as it sounded on the menu – a transformation by no means universal in four=star hotels. My desert was a selection of ice cream served in an edible wafer basket with chocolate sticks. The meal represented amazing value for money.

  I certainly will be back .

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Cavan fleadh aris

More and more people in Cavan are waking up to the reality that the forthcoming fleadh is just a profit maximisation scheme for the town’s publicans. Rumours abound that the the3se purveyors of ethanol intend to celebrate the fleadh by putting up the prices of drink. It is also expected that there will be numerous instances of people being short changed. This is easy if the punters are so befuddled with booze that they don’t know where they are. Let us also not overlook the presence of alcohol on sale, perhaps at inflated prices, on which excise duty has not been paid. Cavan town witnessed a raid by customs and excise officials in the not too distant past in which a number of premises were allegedly found to be selling this stuff. And let us not forget either the ubiquitous presence of “the bad pint”. I’ve heard that a whole car park is being set aside for the sale of food items. Will the Health and Safety authorities be policing these stalls to ensure that hygiene regulations are being adhe3red to? Or will they take their usual laissez fair attitude to these matters? Laissez faire can usually be translated into Cavanese as “Ah fuck it we can’t bother our arses”. There is an element of the old caveat emptor here. Their thinking is that anyone who will buy dodgy-looking burgers from dirty stalls crawling with flies and bluebottles, at ridiculous prices must be viewed as the architects of their own misfortune, or at least of their own diarrhoea. Don’t say you haven’t been warned.

I’m not being funny here, and I’m certainly not laughing, and neither will any visitor to Cavan durin the fleadh once they come down with a nasty tummy bug.

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Dr Brendan Scott’s public talk in a Cavan urinal or Ciaran’s joke of the day

Brendan and Jack were having a quiet drink when Brendan asks him.
“If you heard Jack that the world was going to end in fifteen minutes, what would you do?”
“Well in the time left I’d shag everything that moved I suppose. How about you Brendan. What would you do?”
“I’d try to stand perfectly still,” Brendan replies.

One more? Why not. What do a Rubik’s Cube and a prick have in common? The more you play with it the harder it gets.

 Now a bird never flew on one wing. Define egghead: What Mrs Dumpty givers Humpty.

What has four legs and flies?

A dead horse.

….. Sick or what?

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Royal visit to Ballyjamesduff

Many people in Ireland have longed for an opportunity to express their long-suppressed loyalty to the British Crown. They have watched, almost with baited breaths, at such moments of joy as the silver and golden jubilee and various royal weddings, not to mention those episodes of incredible pathos and heartbreak as the funeral of Princess Diana. However, now with the advent of the visit by Her Majesty to Ireland, Irish people of all creeds will be able to cheer with gusto as they exclaim “God Bless you Queen Elizabeth!”

 For too long our two countries have been divided by antagonisms which have often been mischievously amplified by people in Ireland. The forthcoming royal visit is an opportunity to turn the swords of the past into the ploughshares of the present and the scythes of the future, with which future generations can reap a bountiful harvest of goodwill and renewed dependency on our bigger neighbour.

 Those in Cavan will be especially pleased to hear that their local authority, Cavan County Council, had been working flat out behind the4 scenes to see to it that The Queen visited “The Lakeland County” and that she is given, along with the Duke of Edinburgh, an opportunity to fulfil a long-held ambition.

 It is not generally known but Queen Elizabeth had planned to make a visit to Cavan County Museum during her visit. Both she and Prince Philip were anxious to look at the museum’s unique collection of Gaelic football boots and assorted Cavan GAA memorabilia. A source close to the royal family has stated that each time anyone mentions the memorable victory of Cavan over Kerry in New York’s Polo Grounds her mind goes back to the year 1947 and the royal wedding of that year.

 It has now emerged that her visit to the museum has had to be cancelled because of an old problem in the museum: the lavatories. In spite of having a plumber’s son on staff for a number of years the museum’s toilets have a nasty habit of exploding for no reason and shooting their contents over a wide area.  It was thought this was caused by attempts to flush down diapers, tampons used condoms and certainly the problem seemed to have been resolved by a number of low-key redundancies disguised as budget cuts. Unfortunately the overflowing lavatories have returned with a vengeance, with fateful results.  

 A County Council engineer explained.

 “It would be the very day her Majesty would be comin’ that the hoors would blow up again like yan Icelandic volcano, an’ ya can get the whiff of the shite for miles an’ miles. I wouldn’t be surprised if ya got it up in a ‘plane. An’ when that happens the last thing ya want is t’ have the quain of England cuntin’ around lookin’ to go to the jacks.”

 Some in Cavan had hoped that The Queen, given her interest in Gaelic Games, would have an opportunity to present the Anglo-Celt cup to a successful Cavan team, but this can’t happen now after the Cavan team threw up their arses down in Cork last weekend – four shagging points; Jesus the North Koreans would have done better.

 Anglo Celt and The Beano please copy

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Cavan farmers’ market

Being able to eat fresh produce is very important. Fruit and vegetables may look fresh, but how long is it since they were taken from the ground? How do we know what harmful chemicals have been used in their cultivation, or to aid their longevity? During the months of summer there is no excuse for us not buying the freshest available3, as these are available at farmers’ markets. This phenomenon has really taken off in Ireland, helped by the endorsement of food writers and celebrity chefs.

Cavan town is the latest venue for a farmers’ market, held under the auspices of the town council. It appears that spaces and marquees and other defences against our inclement weather are to be provided by the council, but at a cost. The figure4 has not been finalised, but are those who attend the market aware that any personal details, even as insignificant as a name, address, or vehicle registration that they give to the council (or that they council might otherwise acquire) may be handed over to the Revenue Commissioners?

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A message for Dr Brendan Scott, Mr Jack Keys and to all others to whom it may concern

Here is a short message for Dr Brendan Scott and his adoring fans, his patron and protector Whacko Jacko Keys and the others who organised talks in association with the forthcoming fleadh in cCvan. It is taken from the lyrics of the inimitable Marshall Bruce Matheers III, aka Eminem:

YOUL’LL BURN IN HELL FOR THIS SHIT

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Courgette newsflash

Some of the courgettes I sowed in May have started to fruit. Already my mouth is salivating with the thought of freshly-made ratatouille.

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Dr Brendan Scott’s forthcoming stand-up comedy routine at the Cavan fleadh, or Ciaran’s joke of the day

A family of prostitutes were discussing life over breakfast. The daughter had just come in and was asked how she’d done the previous night.
“Not so good. I only got 25 euro for a blow job. It’s the credit crunch I suppose.”
“Twenty five euro for a blow job,” screamed her mother. “In my day I’d consider a fiver for a blow job to be a good night’s work.”
“It was different in my day,” said granny prostitute. “We”d have been glad just to get something warm inside us.”

I’m sure there are many local government employees who know only too well the type of people I’m talking about. After all, when they”re on one of those five-star junkets paid for by the tax payer, away from their wives, girlfriends and partners, it can get pretty lonely, can’t it … but don’t worry, your secrets are safe with me.

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