Ciaran’s Peculier [sic] Blog

A view of the world from an Irish hole

Month: June, 2010

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Dr Brendan Scott’s talk in Cav an County Library or Ciaran’s joke of the day 30/6/10

Ricky finally summons up the courage to ask Rachel, the office bike, out on a date. Afterwards they pull into a lay-be where they kiss for a while, and Ricky, sensing that Rachel is hot, pushes his hand up under her skirt and between her thighs.

“What are you doing?” she asks coyly.

“I’d like a little pussy Rachel”.

“So would I”, she answers. “Mine’s the size of a bucket.”

Eventually, his hand reaches its destination and he is soon inside her knickers. She responds characteristically with moans and sounds of arousal, until suddenly Rachel yells:

“Owww! That hurts you bastard.”

“What’s wrong?”

“You should have taken your ring off before you finger-fucked me” she replies.

“Hey, that’s not my ring: it’s my watch”

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Felicidades al equipo de Paraguay!

Mi corazon esta pleno del alegria. El Paraguay ha ganado. Mi gustan mucho los Paraguayos. Una vez El Presidente del Republica fue obispo. Espero que los Paraguayos perdonen a los Irelandes. Eliza Lynch no fue Irlandesa – era rubia y todos las mujeres Irelandesas son pelirrojas.

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Where to get good grass in Cavan

I have heard a rumour that sat week Cavan County Council employees had to attend a grass mowing course in Cavan’s Central Library. No doubt this was conducted by outside experts and mowing consultants, who had to be brought in at great expense, while being wined and dined at the best restaurants.

 What next? Surely there is nothing to learn about mowing grass. You get a mower and pushy it. Maybe participants were told of the old trick for keeping grass down – sprinkle it with copious amounts of strong liquor, thus ensuring that when the grass grows it comes up half cut.

 Maybe there will be a masturbation course, again to be held in the County Library. Only there would not be a need for outside experts, as there are enough experts on the subject among the county council’s senior executives.

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Dr Brendan Scott’s lecture to ther NCBI in Cavan’s County Library, or Ciaran’s joke of the day 29/6/10

A man is standing at the urinal in a lavatory beside another male in an olive-green suit who seems no bigger than a dwarf, but his attention is drawn by the size, length and girth of this second man’s male member, which is, without doubt, a whopper. The first guy doesn’t want to appear to be getting his kicks by looking at another guy’s cock, but his interest is noticed.           “Is everything ok?” asks the dwarf.“No problems. I’m sorry but I just can’t help remarking on the size of your cock. As a man you’re on the small side but it’s enormous.”
“Ah let me explain. You see I’m a leprechaun and all leprechauns have massive cocks in spite of their size.”
“I wouldn’t mind having one that size”. comments the first man.
“That can be arranged. After all I’m a leprechaun so I can grant anything you wish for,  but you have to do something for me.”
“Name it!”
“You’ll have to let me give you one up the butt.”
“Well I don’t know about that…” stutters the first guy.
“Now it’s your decision and I’m putting absolutely no pressure on you” counsels the dwarf soothingly.
“I suppose no one need know”, answers the first guy and quickly looking around to ascertain there’s no one else in the can he gestures to the dwarf to join him in one of the cubicles.After several moments of excruciating pain for the man the dwarf asks him:
“How old are you?”
The man turns his head and answers, though writhing with agony: “I’m … ugh … I’m thirty-six… arghhh!…why?”
“You’re thirty-six are you? And you still believe in leprechauns?”

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Dr Brendan Scott’s talk to the NCBI in Cavan County Library, or Ciaran’s joke of the day

One day a priest is walking through a really tough neighbourhood when he spies a youth tossing off in an alleyway. He goes up to him and says: “Stop it immediately. You should save that till after you get married.” The youth shrugs his shoulders and runs away.

Ten years’ later the priest is again walking through the same neighbourhood when a young man approaches him. “I bet you don’t remember me, but ten years’ back you saw me tossing off and you gave me some sound advice. You told me to stop it and save it till after I got married.”

“Ah yes,” says the priest. “I remember you now. And tell me did you follow my advice son?”

“Sure did father, replied the young man. And guess what? I’m getting married next week.”

“That’s marvellous,” says the priest. “It’s great how things have worked out for you.”

“There’s only one small problem father, “ says the man. “ I’ve got a ten gallon container of the stuff in the back of my pick-up, and I haven’t a clue what to do with it after I get married.”

 Bit remember, masturbation is NO joke. It can lead to blindness, and no one wants to be dependant on the NCBI do they.

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Cavan again in ther news in North Korea

The recent Hen night festival in Cavan, sponsored by Breffni Condoms, continues to make waves in North Korea. A video about the event has been shown more or less continuously, on North Korean television. It is accompanied by a song which is a Korean rendition of the wel-known Cavan number, “My Cavan bitch so fat.” The lyrics have been changed to suit the still rampant cult of personality, and start off with the obligatory mention of Kim Jong-Il. “Hard on, hard on, I always get a hard on when I think of the Dear Leader”.

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Forthcoming royal visit

It has been announced that the new spirit of Irish-British rapprochement is to be sealed by a royal visit by Her Majesty The Queeg. Although the details have not been announced it is possible that Queen Elizabeth, along with The Hun, may be shown around some of Ireland’s state-of-the-art medical facilities. This reminds me of the joke about her visit to a similar medical flagship during a visit to Canada. She was being shown round the facility by its director, when she came upon a man sitting on a bed jerking off. Shocked the Queen exploded “This is disgusting.” The director responds: “This man suffers from a very rare condition where his testicles fill up with semen every five hours. If he doesn’t evacuate it the semen builds up and his testicles could explode, killing him.”

“Oh I quite understand”, answered the queen sympathetically.

She goes to the next floor and looks into a private room where a young nurse is kneeling in front of a patient giving him a blow-job, Not wishing to appear to lose her Sangfroid the queen asks: “and what’s going on here?”

“Same problem ma’am” answers the director, “only a better Health care plan.”

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Dr Brendan Scott’s public lecture in Cavan Central Library

A priest is hearing confessions. A young man comes in and says. “Bless me Father for I have sinned. I’ve had sex with Pussy Green two or three times a week for the past two months.”
“Fornication is a serious sin. You must say five Our Fathers and a decade of the Rosary in penance.”
The next in the confessional is a slightly older male with a shaven head.
“Bless me Father. I’ve fucked Pussy Green every day for the past six weeks. Some days I’ve done her twice or three times and she lets me turn her round so I can fuck her up the ar ..”
“…Okay, Okay. I get the message” says the increasingly exasperated priest. “But who is this Pussy Green?”
“She’s a slapper that’s moved onto the estate. You must have seen her at Mass Father…”
“You have sinned gravely against God and against yourself. For your penance says twelve Our Fathers.”
Next day is Sunday and, just before Mass the priest is standing at the altar beside an altar boy, when in strides the most voluptuous long-legged blond wearing an emerald green mini dress and matching high heels. She demurely walks to the front row of the chapel where she sits down in full view of the priest who can hardly take his eyes off her. He bends down to the altar boy and whispers. “Tell me son, is that Pussy Green?”
“No father”, answers the boy. “It’s just the reflection of her dress.”

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Dodgy planning at local government level

Some of the senior staff in the six local authorities whose planning decisions are being investigated by the minister for the environment must be feeling pretty pissed. N doubt they are seething with resentment at being apparently singled out for public opprobrium, when the planning practices of other local authorities (no names mentioned) are equally questionable. But no one need worry. The whole thing will be a whitewash and the final report of the inspectors has already been written (oops, shouldn’t have said that: sorry).

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Cavan County headshop, Ballyjamesuff

The Cavan County headshop in Ballyjamesduff may escape the attempts by Justice Minister Dermo Ahern to close them down. You see it doesn’t actually sell legal highs; the only highs available are for those working there and recent members of staff. Anyone else who visits there usually leaves with an unpleasant, nauseous feeling of having been ripped off.

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