A leaner, healthier Ireland
Minister for health and obesity Mary Hernia has warned that the coming year will see even greater cuts in health spending. These will of course, translate into even poorer services in the health sector but will help to usher in a new dawn not only for the health service but for Ireland generally.
While few if any hospitals will be closed they will be downsized radically in the interests of efficiency. As a consequence they may have to shed most if not all of their medical functions. They will thus be staffed entirely by HSE administrative staff. There won’t be visiting hours because, hopefully, there won’t be any patients to visit.
Minister Hernia has said that the Irish people now realise that the biggest problem facing the health services is sick people. “They get sick at awkward times, and expect to be cared for at the tax payer’s expense.” The minister added, “As a country we face some tough decisions and this government will not shite away from taking them.” Giving examples of the type of decisions she means the minister outlined the savings in not giving costly medical care to old people,cripples, the unemployed and the work shy, who should be left to die. ”Yes it’s tough, but it’s the type of decision we must take if we are ever to get back to economic good health.”
A study undertaken by some of Ireland’s best-paid economists had found more over than many people who think they’re sick aren’t really sick at all.
Welcoming the increase in emigration figures the minister said that emigration of Irish healthcare workers was good news as it showed Ireland’s generosity as a nation. These were men and women who had been trained at Ireland’s expense, but instead of selfishly expecting them to work here and treat our sick people we were donating them to the wider world.
A new scheme to replace expensive medical personnel takes a leaf out of the book of China. Hundreds of “barefoot” doctors are to be appointed throughout Ireland. These will be people on FAS community employment schemes who will receive a week-long crash course in medical essentials but who will not require any pay in addition to their weekly welfare benefits. The minister was particularly delighted with this scheme as it showed the power of “joined-up” government, though she quick not to take credit for the idea herself. “Actually it was Brian’s”. More advanced medical help, if needed, is to be provided by volunteers from Medecins Sans Frontieres.
These measures will lead not only to a leaner, healthier health service but also to a leaner, healthier Ireland, populated by a super-race of athletic Irish men and women paying little of their hard-earned cash in taxes. “It’s a win-win situation which definitely brings us much closer to Buchenwald than Berlin.”
