Ciaran’s Peculier [sic] Blog

A view of the world from an Irish hole

Month: November, 2008

Pulling power off Somalia

We’re hearing all of these reports about Somali pirates hijacking ever more outrageous marine prizes, but I’d like to know do they have any idea of what they’re going to “bag” when they go out to sea in the morning. Is it a case of sitting off shore and looking at the ships as they glide by, maybe as they play BBC4′s Sailing By? Do they eye the ships through binoculars and then have to report back to a pirate in chief, where they recount what they’ve seen a bit iike contestants on the Generation Game and the old conveyor belt: “Thirty three tanks … cuddly toy … two million barrels of oil …cuddly toy …. Didn’t he do well?”
Or is there less planning, more of a sense of adventure? Is it maybe a bit like going clubbing where you arm yourself with your charm, plus a packet of johnnies or a wee jar of vaseline and hope that whatever else you pick up you don’t get a dose of the clap?

Blanket on the ground

Felim brings his luscious blond bride back to the bridal suite on their wedding night where he strips her naked. She flops on to the bed and lies spread-eagled, leaving nothing to the imagination. She looks at Felim and says: ‘I think you know what I want big boy?”‘
‘Aye’ answers Felim ‘The whole shaggin’ bed by the looks of it!’

Come to Eyl

Thinking of next year’s holidays but looking for a get-away with a difference that takes you off the beaten track? Why not come to Eyl on Somalia’s sun-kissed Puntland coast. There aren’t enough hours in the day to capture the whole Eyl experience. Your holiday starts before you arrive when you’re sailing along the Somali coast when some of our hospitality crews arrive to take you and your ship back under armed guard to Eyl. They look fierce and blood-thirsty, but behind the automatic weaponry and RPG launchers you will find people seriously dedicated to your comfort who want to insure that your stay at Eyl’s -5 star luxury resort and spa will be a time you’ll never forget.
When you’re brought ashore you’ll have plenty of time to relax by the swimming-pool. Sorry no martinis – no booze full stop, it’s a Muslim country Maybe take a dip in the mesmerising blue waters lined by miles of beaches – oh, sorry, don’t be put off by people saying the seas are shark-infested. Sure, there’s the odd shark but they’re friendly. Like resort staff they have only one thing on their mind – (lunch) – no, your satisfactilon. Why not dine in one of the many resort restaurants, where the menu changes according to what resort staff have been able to hijack on the high seas. Today’s menus have a wheat theme. As for entertainment you can chill out driving a tank. But the staff want you to relax and take it easy while your employers come to their senses and agree to pay the ransom we demand. And forget about all those other holidays which always seemed to be well spoiled by the realisation that they would come to an end. You can stay here for as long as we like.

Grave humour

There were these two Kerrymen going around a cemetery one night.
“Look Tadhg” says one. “There’s a man here who was 167 when he died”.
“What was his name?” asked Tadhg.
“I’m not sure what his surname was” answered Tomas. “It just says he was Miles from Dublin.”

Anna Sexton on TV

It was great that Anna Sexton was featured on UTV’s Lesser Spotted Ulster on Friday night. Anna has done so much over the years to nurture an interest in the history, folklore and landscape of her area. She has been an inspiration to me, as has Heart of Breifne. She has always done this quietly and without fanfare, as she knows that those with real talent have no need to seek the shrill lights of publicity to which some of the clowns calling themselves historians seem to be sadly addicted. I know that T.P. had no doubt tuned in on a television up above – that’s if they’ve got a licence!
It was also great to see the efforts of the people in the group water-scheme getting recognition – the spirit of Horace Plunkett and Father Finlay is happily alive and well in Cavan.

The priesthood

Q/ What’s the connection between a priest and a pint of guinness?

A. They both have a. black coat, white collar & you’ve got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

Cavan chat-up lines

Everyone knows that there’s nothing like a Cavan man in heat. Here are some of the chat-up lines I’ve heard from my friend Felim.

1. Did ya fart? ‘Cos ya just blew me away!

2. Are your parents retarded? ‘Cos your special!

3. My love for you is like the skitter. I just cant hold it in!

4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? ‘Cos I can see myself in them!

5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!

6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

Kettoe’s and Castletara

In my piece for this week’s Cavan Echo, I write about Castletara, and in particular a spot mentioned by Bridie Smith Brady in probably the first of her articles in the Anglo Celt in 1922. My good friend and Bridie’s relative Charlie Boylan tells me that the location, known as Kettoe’s Bush, is still known in the locality and it is marked as the name suggests by a bush which is near to disappearing altogether under the ravages of time’s incessant waves. It is near the top of the hill from the road which leads past Castletara chapel, one of the oldest churches still in use in the diocese of Kilmore, having been first built in 1829, the year of Catholic Emancipation.

Zambian government jittery in post-election environment

Last week Rupiah Banda was declared the winner of Zambia’s presidential election. The poll had occurred because of the death of Levy Patrick “Cabbage” Mwanawasa, one of the most upright of Africa’s statesmen. The election was close and this has led the losing candidate, Michael Sata of the Patriotic Front to call foul, saying they were rigged. Observers from neighbouring countries described the polls as free and fair, but then they said as much about the elections in Zimbabwe, didn’t they.

In recent days a Catholic priest, Fr Frank Bwalya was arrested while presenting a radio programme in which he said the elections were iffy. This happened in Kitwe, an opposition stronghold, and his arrest sparked riots by disgruntled supporters of the detained priest, chanting “We want change”. I know the felling when all you’ve got is a big note like a 20 or a 50.

Pyramids along the Nile

I often dream of launching an alternative to the Nobel Prize for Economics. It would be for the person who has had the most long-lasting effect on the economic lives of the world’s citizens. My own nomination might seem surprising. Would it be John Kenneth Galbraith? No. John Maynard Keynes, no; Milton Friedman – wrong again. No, the prize would go (posthumously) to Carlo Ponzi, the Italian American who gave his name to the notorious Ponzi scheme, better known perhaps in western Europe as the pyramid scheme, which still attracts gullible investors and then fleeces them throughout the world.

Put simply a Ponzi scheme offers you huge returns on a very small initial investment. It is usually based on a rather dubious financial base. As the initial sums are small it usually attracts the small investor, especially in the Third World, who often invests all their savings in the hope of emerging from a life of drudgery and penury. The Ponzi scheme inevitably collapses, leaving investors with nothing, but those who have set up the scam in the first place escape in the nick of time, usually with large sackfulls of cash. As these schemes usually occur in countries with dubious regulatory regimes it is often felt that the people behind them are in cahoors with powerful people in government.

Ponzi schemes have affected countries like Albania Yeltsin’s Russia and Tajikistan, though one operated for a while in the dear old Romish Republic, but it was kind of hushed up because those who were stung were too embarrassed to admit they’d fallen for such a scheme.

I’ve written a book about them, with my friend Gerry Griffin. It’s called Fools’ Gold: Cautionary tales in Greed, Speculation and Delusion. It is still available through Amazon.com. It ends with the pithy aphorism: “If a scheme seems too good to be true, it probably is.” You’d think that people would have copped on to these schemes by now. They are so familiar and follow the same pattern. The latest one has hit Colombia. One of the dubious companies behind the scheme is called DRFE. It like numerous other “investment companies” had been promising gargantuan returns on piddling initial investments. It is thought some of them have been laundering narco-money. AAnyway the bubble’s burst leaving thousands of angry investors with sweet FA. They have responded by storming the investment companies’ offices. In the city of Pereira in south-western Colombia some company employees were caught by the police leaving through a back entrance with suspiciously heavy suitcases. They were taken into custody for their own protection after having offered one of the suitcases to the police.

Some of those behind the scams seem positively gleeful about how they were able to get away with it. In the town of Santander de Quilichao about 50 km from Cali people looking for their money back found the following note pinned the the company’s door:

Now for being stupid and believing in witchcraft you will have to work much harder to recoup the money you gave us

while the door of another investment company office had an early Christimas card, wishing investors “a sad Christmas and a shameful New Year.”

The Colombian government has expressed horror at what has happened, but apart from sending in troops and riot police to stem the investibale crowd trouble have done nothing. The vice-president, Francisco Santos has said: “Nothing is free in this world and that is not going to change.” (unless of course you’re a member of the Colombian congress, when pretty much everything is free).

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