Ciaran’s Peculier [sic] Blog

A view of the world from an Irish hole

Month: October, 2008

Patrick Conaty Sr., RIP

I was truly saddened to learn of the death of Paddy Conaty. With his passing one more of the giants of Cavan politics has departed this mortal stage.

Paddy came from a long nationalist and republican tradition. He served as a councillor, both at Urban and County Council level, for over thirty years. In that time he showed himself to be his own man, the lacky of neither faction nor creed. Two qualities I recall with pleasure were his candour combined with his boundless warmth.

Paddy was never slow to turn down an argument. I remember once observing a fresh and frank exchange of views between Paddy and a fellow member of the Fianna Fail party, who was also known to belong to a shadowy ultra-conservative religious lay group. The spectrum of beliefs I observed was truly fascinating and I went up to the two of them afterward, (who, naturally remained the strongest of friends in spit4 of the warmth with which their beliefs had been expressed) and said to them: “No one would realise that the two of you belonged to the same party. They’d put you down for a life-long Labour man and as for you they’d say you must be a PDer.”

At this moment Paddy is probably rubbing shoulders with some of the other political colossi from Cavan who have been promoted to a better place in the recent past. One of them may be a small over-heated upstairs room of some hostelry choked with cigarette smoke. The other might be the slightly more august, though no less pokey hall in which Cavan’s urban affairs were discussed at length. All I hope is there isn’t a staircase nearby!

I express my sympathies to Pat, Charles, John, Noel - indeed to all his family – on their irreperable loss. Paddy had lost his dear wife of many years, Kathleen, on the same day as my mother died.

Duck a l’orange

Three little ducks go into a Bar.

‘Say, what’s your name?’ the bartender asked the first duck.
‘Huey,’ was the reply.
‘How’s your day been, Huey?’
‘Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?’ said Huey.
‘Oh. That’s nice,’ said the bartender.

He turned to the second duck, ‘Hi, and what’s your name?’
‘Dewey,’ came the answer from duck number two.
‘So how’s your day been, Dewey! ?’ he asked.
‘Great. Lovely day. I’ve had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?’

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, ‘So, you must be Louie?’
‘No,’ she said, batting her eyelashes.
‘My name is Puddles.’

Hide the sausage

A Dubliman, a Belfast man and a Cavan man meet and decide on a challenge to see whether each of them can survive on a sausage for three whole days. Each will only have a euro to live on.

The Dublin man reports on his progress first. He tells how he went into the butcher and bought the sausage with his euro. He then cut it into three parts, each of which he ate on the three following days, at the end of which he was both penniless and starving.

The Belfastman told how he went into the butcher’s and bought a sausage. He continued: “I didn’t ate anythin’ for three whole days an’ then I opened up the skin o’ the sausage, scooped out the meat an’ ate it, an then I washed it and I’ve turned into into a purse, which will be useful in the future. “

The Cavan man told his story. “I went into the butcher’s an’ bought me sausage. I scooped out the mate an ett it on the first day. On the second day I took the skin an’ waashed it an’ I turned it into a condom, an’ I went out an’ had sex with a lassie. Then on the third day I washed the skin again an’ I shat into it an’ I sewed back up again an’ I brought it back to the butcher an’ said to him; “Yan sausage ya sold me two days ago has an awful funny smell off it.” He agreed an’ gave me back me euro”.

Christmas in Cavan

A Cavanman was reminscing about his chilldhood and how he remembered one particular event which was in many ways live-changing.

“One Christmas eve when I was only five years ould” he says, ” me father took me to the local cemetery. Anyhow he stands me in front o’ this overgrown grave an’ puts his hand on me showlder, points at the grave with his other hand and says “Now son, that’s where Santy’s buried…”

Climb-down on medical cards

A MESSAGE FOR THE GOVERNMENT

So you’ve had to climb down on the unfair means-test for medical cards…Wankers

I’ve heard of Robin Hood but that was ridiculous – giving to the poor with one hand, and then picking their pockets and taking away their entitlements – not even with another hand but with the same one.  

You may think that you’ve climbed out of the brown stuff, but remember it smells.

Budget blues

I feel particularly soirry – really – who are supposed to pay a levy as part of Brian oge’s budget to their local authority. What for? It is highly unlikely it will go towards building new affordable housing, especially in those areas where none are being built or where the councils have sold off all of their land. It may go towards paying for the intensive, one-to-one coaching that senior executives need to overcome their illiteracy, but I doubt it will go towards improving the manners of the councils’ officer corp – that would be far too expensive and frankly, a waste of time.

Justice of a sort for the victims of the Caravan of Death

I see that the leader of Chile’s notorious Caravan of Death, Gen Arellano Stark and five of his underlings have received jail sentences for the extra-judicial killing of people whose politics they didn’t like during the rule of Augusto Pinochet.

The Caravan of Death was like a mobile execution squad who went up and down the country seeking out victims whom the authorities were just too squeamish to wipe out themselves. Their actions were known to Pinochet, the man with whom the former British Prime Minister sipped tea and ate cake. If only she had been able to use the Caravan of Death against the miners, the Militant Tendency, Irish terrorists and their synpathisers in Eire and the CND.

Of course, here in leprechaun land General Pinochet had a considerable fan-club, especially amongst those who were on the way to doing God’ s work. True, he had murdered a democratically-elected president and murdered hundreds, if not thousands of innocent people, but hadn’t he saved Chile from “Godless communism?” The fact that Salvador Allende (pronounced Ayende or Azhende and not Allendy as some conservative politicans believed) was never a communist, or that he had the support of many members of the country’s hierarchy, is forgotten. Pinochet’s supporters point to the fact that when he survived a leftist assassination plot the bullets left the impiression of the Virgin Mary on the car window. They point to the extraordinary economic success enjoyed by Chile thanks to Pinochet, but that ignoramus knew nothing about economics; any economic success was the work of technocrats like Buchl the finance minister.

Medical cards for old people

I knew a guy at school who was very bright put prone to making inappropriate use of language, or so he thought. He once expressed his opinion that “old people should be abolished”. This policy is now being taken up by the department of health.

Let’s face it, old people are a burden. Their days are numbered and they’re in the way. I have learned that the minister for health and senior figures in her department are frustrated because the decision to means-test medical cards for the over 70s targets completrely the wrong people. They don’t mind wealthy ould fuckers who can probably pay for their funerals and who maybe have contributed handsomely over the years to government coffers. Oh no, it’s the other fuckers they’re really after, who are poor and no doubt have always been poor, who have been dependant on hand-outs all their lives. For a government anxious to curtail wasteful expenditure to give them free medical care is frankly like shooting yourself in the foot! They’ll never be out of doctors’ surgeries and hospitals, and what’s more the fuc… these people will live longer, all the time soaking up goverment expediture on GP visits and drugs. The kindest and most humane thing to do with them is to withdraw medical cards to them NOW and let them expire on their own.

The decision to means-test medical cards had the approval of minister Briane oge, but the devil was in the details. I honestly don’t think he is evil enough (he’s certainly not bright enough) to have pulled such a stunt on his own. In fact I don’t even think Fatso Harney knew the details. It was enough for her to exclaim “Will no one rid me of these costly dotards?” If anything, it shows just how little our public representatives – the punks i mean people we elect for better or worse – are in charge. The details were decided by mandarins in the Department of Health and posted on the department’s website on Wednesday evening. This was definitely sneaky. The government had bought into the idea since Brian oge stood up on his hind legs. They would have looked stupid if they tried to back-peddle. They were effectively left holding the baby, or holding the shitty end of the stick – and that’s where they are now God love them – upto their oxters in the brown stuff.

Brian’s Budget

Brian Lenihan Jr has delivered his first budget, and indeed there should not be a back anywhere in Ireland that isn’t smarting from the imposition of this financial haishirt.

I knew Brian Lenihan Jr at Trinity, the fact that he is minister for finance and that I am well here need not concern us now. Let’s just say he never came across as the sharpest tool in the shed; I remember how we both attended a table-quiz and sat at contiguous tables, and how the personnel on our table supplied more than one answer to the assembled legal brains gathered around Brian oge.

Of course he was once elected a Scholar in Law entitling him to free tuition, free board in Trinity and a free meal (if he could stomach it) for five years. This had nothing to do with the fact that his father was at the time a minister in the government upon whom the College of the Holy and Unidvidied Trinity was dependant for its funding. What a horrible thought! No more than was the decision to grant a Law Scholarship to a girl whose mother just happened to be Minister for Education in a later government.

Brian oge has said (though he denies it) that the decision to means-test medical cards for the over-70s is a “feye-asco” foisted on him by the Minister for Health. I honestly don’t think he knew about it. The same could not be said for his colleague, Mary Harney, who is on record as saying she would prefer to be in the cut-and-thrust free-market environment of Boston than in the pink, liberal, socialist environs of Berlin. She of course is a fan of Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher, that b*$ch who supped tea with the mass murderer Pinochet.

But the government hardly needs Harney’s support. She is one of only two PD TDs (one of whom is expected to show un-rat-like courage and rejoin Fianna Fail soon) and the FFers can comfortably rely for support on John Gormless and his pals for the considerable future. So why do they put up with her? Why don’t they make life easy for themselves by saying: “Look Mary, why don’t you do yourself and the country a really big favour and FUCK OFF to Boston!”

PS. I hope there are no members of Cavan County Council who think I’m belittling myself here? The fact is I like belittling myself: you could say it’s one of my hobbies.

Frozen out

 

 

 Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I’m Sylvia. How’d you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the sitting-room watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman : Too bad you didn’t look in the fridge we’d both still be alive……

 

 

 

 



 

 

   

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