Ciaran’s Peculier [sic] Blog

Does anyone remember those awful days of the 1980s when Ireland tried to crawl free of obscurantism by way of referendums? I particularly remember the divorce one whenb the No-nay-never side was headed by the father of the current minister for Social Warfare and some of the greatest philanderers and cheats were trying to keep the family solid so that they could nip off for their bit of extra-marital pleasure free in the knowledge that they owed their mistresses nothing and that their long-suffering wives would recognise their subservient role. Now we have divorce and far from the “flood-gates” being opened nothing seems to have happened. But here’s a letter sent by an irate husband and the reply he got from his spouse.
Dear Wife:

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for seven years and I have sweet FA to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want to screw or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m off.

Your EX-husband

P.S. Don’t try to find me. Your SISTER Carla and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

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Dear Ex-Husband -

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been!

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping,, sometimes even your belching and farting Too bad that doesn’t work.

I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment.

And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the £40 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed forty quics from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto I quit my job and bought us two tickets to the Seychelles . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I suppose.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My solicitor said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a red penny from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich and as horny as hell and free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem – you’ve probably found that out anyhow by now.