Columbanus
Knights
Knights
It was bound to happen: those Somali pirates who captured a ship carrying over Russian tanks realised that they had struck gold, and as always happens they fell out over the divvying up of the spoils. It’s easy to surmise what happened: some of the pirates, sensing their good luck, suspected that their colleagues were trying to cut them out of any prospective deal. There may have been disagreenents about what to do with the haul. Some might have wanted to bring them back to shore and maybe set up a military theme park which would have attracted tourists; while others favoured flogging them to one (or maybe all) of the varying warring factions in Somalia. A third group may have wanted to open secret negotiations with the Kenyan government, the stated destintation for the tanks. “Hey guv, ya know those tanks ya ordered a while back? What are they worth to ya cos we’ve got ‘em. I’m sure we can come to an arrangement and you can get the money from the insurance. Win-win” Of course there was a minority voice urging that the tanks and the ship be given back. This individual might have found Jesus recently and urged his colleagues to be righteous and be motivated by their consciences. His argument may have fallen on deaf ears; he probably fell, whether on ears or not would be uncertain, but he was certainly dead. So the boys decided to settle the argument with a show of force. It was not that they had a lack of weapons. Anyway three of them were injured; no-one’s sure if any were fatalities. What’s also unclear is the fate of the boat and the tanks, and oh yes they’ve still got the crew.
Does anyone remember those awful days of the 1980s when Ireland tried to crawl free of obscurantism by way of referendums? I particularly remember the divorce one whenb the No-nay-never side was headed by the father of the current minister for Social Warfare and some of the greatest philanderers and cheats were trying to keep the family solid so that they could nip off for their bit of extra-marital pleasure free in the knowledge that they owed their mistresses nothing and that their long-suffering wives would recognise their subservient role. Now we have divorce and far from the “flood-gates” being opened nothing seems to have happened. But here’s a letter sent by an irate husband and the reply he got from his spouse.
Dear Wife:
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for seven years and I have sweet FA to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want to screw or anything that connects us as husband and wife.
Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m off.
Your EX-husband
P.S. Don’t try to find me. Your SISTER Carla and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
@@@@@@@@@
Dear Ex-Husband -
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been!
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping,, sometimes even your belching and farting Too bad that doesn’t work.
I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment.
And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the £40 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed forty quics from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto I quit my job and bought us two tickets to the Seychelles . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I suppose.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My solicitor said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a red penny from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich and as horny as hell and free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem – you’ve probably found that out anyhow by now.
